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Thread started 09/18/18 7:14pm

sexton

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Rate The Last Movie You Watched


BlacKkKlansman.png

BlacKkKlansman (2018) - Ron Stallworth, an African-American police officer from Colorado, successfully manages to infiltrate the local Ku Klux Klan with the help of a white surrogate, who eventually becomes head of the local branch.

Definitely one of Spike Lee's better films. 4/5

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Reply #1 posted 09/20/18 10:24am

iZsaZsa

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Mission Impossible Fallout. 5/5. I love Ethan and the gang. I hope they’re not done.
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Reply #2 posted 09/20/18 1:06pm

logger

Mission Impossible: Fallout 5 / 10

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Reply #3 posted 09/20/18 2:02pm

damosuzuki

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three businessmen (1998) 3.5/5 art dealers wander around liverpool in search of a restaurant, end up travelling the world.

enjoyably offbeat, clearly inspired by exterminating angel, but in a novel, interesting way. i would have liked it a bit more if miguel sandoval's character hadn't been quite so annoying at times. clearly he was meant to be a bit grating, that's a design of the film - but he was just a bit too much for me, to the point where i was getting tired of spending time with him and the film.

but i think ultimately it's worth staying with it through to the end. it has a fairly good punchline, and the good outweighs the bad.

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."

http://www.thelifeyoucansave.com/
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Reply #4 posted 09/20/18 2:07pm

damosuzuki

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melvin goes to dinner (2003) 3.5/5 play adaptation directed by bob odenkirk. i spent most of the film trying to work out where i'd seen 'sarah' before. ultimately i had to go to annabelle gurwitch's wiki page to discover she was the woman from tbs's dinner & a movie. definitely has the feel of something adapted from a stage play, & it might strike some as being just a bit too clever & impressed with itself, but it's pleasantly low-key in its story and its style, and i ended up enjoying it quite a bit. a nice find.

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."

http://www.thelifeyoucansave.com/
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Reply #5 posted 09/20/18 3:23pm

iZsaZsa

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logger said:

Mission Impossible: Fallout 5 / 10


Yikes. That means half the movie went over my head.
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Reply #6 posted 09/20/18 3:28pm

iZsaZsa

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TBS’s Dinner And A Movie. I loved that! Like, tongue tacos when they aired Look Who’s Talking. lol
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Reply #7 posted 09/20/18 7:07pm

Graciegirl719

Operation Finale 8/10

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Reply #8 posted 09/21/18 7:54pm

RodeoSchro

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Do you know what tonight is? Let our friends from Earth, Wind and Fire tell you!



Heck yeah! You better be blasting that song tonight!

In addition to it being the night memorialized in song by the great Earth, Wind and Fire, tonight is the end of summer. So what did I do to mark the end of summer?

I went to see the best summer movie of THIS summer, or ANY summer in probably the last 20 years!

"THE PREDATOR".

This movie is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! It's the best summer movie I can remember seeing since "Purple Rain"!

Flash backwards to the original "Predator". We all know this is one of the greatest action/monster movies ever made in the history of the entire universe. And we all also know that the sequels were probably putrid, non-Arnold examples of fluff (I don't know, I never saw any of them). So anyone trying to make a movie in a franchise where Arnold has already set the bar is taking a GIANT risk.

The dude that made this move accepted that challenge and met it!

"The Predator" has everything - a great cast; Predators; funny jokes; a plot that never slows down; Predators; the best movie score since "Raiders of the Lost Ark"; Predators; and Olivia Munn. Plus one of the Keegan and Peele guys (I can't ever remember their names, sorry. I probably should have watched their show but it came on too early). I think it's the Key guy. Not the one who made "Get Out" but the other one. Anyway, he's funny as all get-out.

EVERYONE in this movie is great. I only knew the Key guy and Olivai Munn but according to the credits, Thomas Jane is in this movie too. I feel like I should know who he is. Was he in the TV show "Wings"?

I had way too much Jack and Coke at the Booze and Chow to even attempt to summarize the plot but it would be a waste of time anyway. Just go see this movie. It's non-stop action; it's hilarious; it's PERFECT. Oh, but there is one line that is the best line of the whole movie. It's the best line of the whole DECADE. Want to hear it? Read ahead!

SET-UP: This is a movie based on a franchise started by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold is famous for many lines including "Get to the chopper!"

So at one point the heroes get busted out of the bus they've been chained in (they're all Army psychos). They need a way to escape. There are some motorcycles on the lawn. One guy says:

"GET TO THE CHOPPERS!"

falloff Best line not said in a "Deadpool" movie!

"The Predator" gets 5 Tamed Predator Dogs out of 5 Tamed Predator Dogs. Extend your summer and go see it!

Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #9 posted 09/23/18 9:06pm

Goddess4Real

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Oceans 8 (2018) I really enjoyed this romp of a film. It has reat cast, and I loved watching what goes on inside the Met Gala etc......however, I could have done without seeing the Kardashians/Jenners celeb cameos disbelief I give it a 4 out of 5 popcorn

Keep Calm & Listen To Prince
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Reply #10 posted 09/24/18 8:23am

namepeace

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

One of the best sci-fi movies in years. Dennis Villanueva gave the movie a real Michael Mann feel, and the cast was superb from top to bottom. A worthy follow up to the original.

starstarstarstar

Good night, sweet Prince | 7 June 1958 - 21 April 2016

Props will be withheld until the showing and proving has commenced. -- Aaron McGruder
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Reply #11 posted 09/26/18 9:58am

onlyforaminute

Jane Fonda in Five Acts 5/5 Awesome lady.

"You want to know your biggest fault? You don’t keep true accounts: you put a high value on what you’ve given, a low value on what you’ve received."

- Seneca, On Anger 3.31.3
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Reply #12 posted 09/27/18 6:13pm

damosuzuki

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superstar: the karen carpenter story (1988) 4.5/5 todd hayne's dramatization of karen carpenter's story, made using modified barbie dolls. it struck my as very heartfelt, very respectful & genuinely moving, & incredibly weird.

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."

http://www.thelifeyoucansave.com/
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Reply #13 posted 09/28/18 8:03am

RodeoSchro

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I believe this is the month that a certain someone said they were going to watch and review a certain (LIFE-CHANGING) movie.


Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #14 posted 09/28/18 1:15pm

purplethunder3
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RodeoSchro said:

I believe this is the month that a certain someone said they were going to watch and review a certain (LIFE-CHANGING) movie.


falloff Belushi isn't pleased...

Related image

"If you're living, you've got nothing left to prove..."
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Reply #15 posted 09/28/18 3:02pm

iZsaZsa

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damosuzuki said:

superstar: the karen carpenter story (1988) 4.5/5 todd hayne's dramatization of karen carpenter's story, made using modified barbie dolls. it struck my as very heartfelt, very respectful & genuinely moving, & incredibly weird.




You lead me to it. Thanks, and I agree.
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Reply #16 posted 09/28/18 3:04pm

iZsaZsa

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Gotham By Gaslight. 3/5.
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Reply #17 posted 09/28/18 3:59pm

purplethunder3
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Just saw Sergio Leone's last flick "Once Upon A Time In America" for the first time on TV (believe it or not!) even though I'm a huge De Niro fan. I thought the TV version I saw seemed uneven and chopped up even though it was long. The cinematography was beautiful, the movie mostly captured the time periods, it had top notch actors... So, what went wrong? I read the history of the movie--Leone wanted to make this two three hour movies (he shot much more hours of film), he filmed 8 to 10 hours worth then it was eventually cut down to 4 hours and 29 minutes. But, even after that, for the Cannes Film Festival, he had to cut it further to 3 hours and 49 minutes. And THAT version was only shown in Europe. To add insult to injury, Leone was forced to cut it down even more for the American market against his wishes--2 hours and 19 minutes. What a travesty IMO. I would love to see Leone's original vision for this flick. It has some great performances by iconic actors... The version I saw for the first time seemed too long in places and too short in others to the detriment of the story line. Now, I know why. Also, some of the music doesn't seem to fit events in the movie. Even with the uneven edits--7 out of 10, for me for this flick.

.

Oh, yeah... One additional complaint. The film makers managed to convincingly age Robert DeNiro and his cronies over 30 years. But when DeNiro's character "Noodles" visits his romantic interest Elizabeth McGovern after 30 years, all they can come up with is her face covered with pancake make-up after a performance...and after she gradually removes it she looks exactly the same way as she did 30 years before?!! If they aged the men convincingly, they should have done that with McGovern! razz lol Even so, I liked this movie a lot and would love to see the original Director's cut.

v1.bTsxMTE2ODEwMDtqOzE3OTA0OzEyMDA7ODAwOzEyMDA

[Edited 9/28/18 16:42pm]

"If you're living, you've got nothing left to prove..."
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Reply #18 posted 09/28/18 4:10pm

purplethunder3
121

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.

[Edited 9/28/18 16:28pm]

"If you're living, you've got nothing left to prove..."
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Reply #19 posted 09/29/18 11:28am

sexton

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RodeoSchro said:

I believe this is the month that a certain someone said they were going to watch and review a certain (LIFE-CHANGING) movie.


lol You will be happy to know I watched Animal House last night! I'll post a review later, but I will say right now that immediately afterward I watched this week's episode of HBO's The Deuce drama about NYC's 42nd Street in 1977 and there was a cameo appearance by an actor playing John Belushi! He was recognized by a mob boss character eating in a ritzy disco nightclub bar and the mob boss in his admiration then reenacted an SNL samurai scene like the one posted above. Great coincidence!

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Reply #20 posted 09/29/18 12:12pm

purplethunder3
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sexton said:

RodeoSchro said:

I believe this is the month that a certain someone said they were going to watch and review a certain (LIFE-CHANGING) movie.


lol You will be happy to know I watched Animal House last night! I'll post a review later, but I will say right now that immediately afterward I watched this week's episode of HBO's The Deuce drama about NYC's 42nd Street in 1977 and there was a cameo appearance by an actor playing John Belushi! He was recognized by a mob boss character eating in a ritzy disco nightclub bar and the mob boss in his admiration then reenacted an SNL samurai scene like the one posted above. Great coincidence!

Related image

"If you're living, you've got nothing left to prove..."
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Reply #21 posted 09/29/18 1:07pm

CynicKill

A+

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Reply #22 posted 09/29/18 2:45pm

RodeoSchro

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sexton said:

RodeoSchro said:

I believe this is the month that a certain someone said they were going to watch and review a certain (LIFE-CHANGING) movie.


lol You will be happy to know I watched Animal House last night! I'll post a review later, but I will say right now that immediately afterward I watched this week's episode of HBO's The Deuce drama about NYC's 42nd Street in 1977 and there was a cameo appearance by an actor playing John Belushi! He was recognized by a mob boss character eating in a ritzy disco nightclub bar and the mob boss in his admiration then reenacted an SNL samurai scene like the one posted above. Great coincidence!



Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #23 posted 09/29/18 3:44pm

RodeoSchro

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Last night we watched "Father Figures". It is a deeply flawed movie.

FLAW #1 - They did not use the George Michael song of the almost-same name. WTF?

FLAW #1A - I read the wikipedia entry on this film (who knows why) and foudn out the original title of this movie was....are you ready?.....are you sure you're ready?.....because it is the stupidest title you will ever hear....so here you go.....the original title was...."Bastards".

FLAW #2 - Since they did not use that song, I was forced to sing it to my family all night. They did not appreciate that.

FLAW #3 - Ed Helms is a comedian. That means he is supposed to make people laugh. To do that, he has to do funny things or say funny lines. He does none of that in this flim.

FLAW #4 - I wondered how much wine it would take to make Owen Wilson funny. Turns out we didn't have that much wine.

There are many many more flaws in this movie and of course I intend to address most if not all of them right away. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

The very first thing we see is that Ed Helms is a jerk. His son doesn't like him and neither does his ex-wife. I will give $5 to anyone that can name a movie - any movie - where the hero is shown as a jerk in the first scene but the movie turns out to be a good movie. Don't waste your time, that movie does not exist. Any storyteller will tell you that the hero of the story has to be someone you can root for. You won't want to root for Ed Helms.

Helms is going to his mother's wedding. As we figure out later, it's the first time she's been married but she has two sons. Ed Helms and Owen Wilson. They are twins. A more mismatched set of twins hasn't been seen onscreen since Schwarzenegger and DeVito. But at least they were funny.

I'll give you three guesses as to what kind of character Owen Wilson plays. Your first two guesses don't count. So have you guessed yet? Of course you have because Owen Wilson plays the only kind of character he has ever played:

The free-spirited, free-wheeling, immature, falling-into-money, philosopher who talks to The Universe. He played that character in every movie I've ever seen him in, except "Zoolander" which is the exception that proves the rule. I bet he even played that kind of guy in that movie where the dog dies but I refuse to watch movies that have Owen Wilson, or a dog that dies. So you can imagine the big red "X" I have over "Marley and Me".

Helms doesn't like Wilson so he goes to his room to watch TV. He sees some dude with a birthmark that matches the birthmark on the head of the dude he thinks is his father, so he breaks this awesome news to Wilson and to their mother Glenn Close. "I FOUND DADDY!"

No, he didn't. Turns out that dude was a throw-down dude that Close never thought anyone would ever see again. After explaining to her sons that she was an ultra slut back in the '70's ("Everybody was!" No, they weren't or I would have enjoyed the '70's a lot more), she says, "Your father is really Terry Bradshaw".

Wow! Terry Bradshaw! NFL Hall of Famer! Winner of four Super Bowls! Ed Helms' favorite human in the whole world and his sports hero when he was growing up! Terry Bradshaw!

Naturally Helms and Wilson go to Florida to meet daddy. Which they do, and which Bradshaw handles with great comedy. He and the boys meet Bradshaw's buddy, former NFL player "Rod Hamilton". Glenn Close's name comes up and of course her sexual prowess is the main topic of conversation...until Hamilton learns Close is Helms and Wilson's mother.

As you will see, the main running joke in this movie is how many people Helms and Wilson meet who not only boffed their mom but like to brag about her exceptional skills in the bedroom. Ha. Ha. Ha.

But guess what? After comparing notes, Bradshaw realizes he can't be the father. He thinks the real dad has to be some Wall Street dude in New York, on account of Bradshaw was in Australia at the time of conception (based on Helms and Wilson's birthday) and Close couldn't go on that trip.

FLAW #5 - Bradshaw gets out of being the daddy based on the birtdate of the boys but GUESS WHAT? We learn at the end of the movie that the boys were born 3 months premature. That means that Bradshaw WAS with Close when he came back from Australia and HAD TO BE THE FATHER UNLESS CLOSE WAS BOINKING MULTIPLE GUYS AND SHE MAY HAVE BEEN BECAUSE "IT WAS THE '70's".

I want to give myself a pat on the back for figuring that out because, you see, 3 or 4 potential fathers all get out of it by using the calendar to prove it wasn't them. We find out at the end of the movie that the boys were premature, which means Bradshaw was really the father and the rest of the movie was pointless.

Who do I sue?!?!?!?

Now that I figured out the fatal flaw in this turkey, I really don't want to continue this review. Like I said, the rest of the movie is pointless. So here are some more flaws:

FLAW #5A – I just thought of this flaw. Terry Bradshaw has a Corvette. “AWESOME!” you think. But no – it is a 1975 Corvette. As anyone knows, the mid-to-late 70’s Corvettes were underpowered atrocities. Oh sure – they looked good. Heck the ‘Vette in this movie is beautiful. But no one – and I repeat – no one – with any money at all would buy a 1975 Corvette.

Now, if you don’t have a lot of money but still want a Corvette, here is an awesome 1975 Corvette convertible (Bradshaw’s was a T-Top hard top) that as of today – October 1, 2018 – you could probably buy for $20,000 and some change:

348c.jpg



FLAW #6 - Katt Williams. I knew who he was, thanks to the Org! I have never seen Katt Williams in anything ever but I've read enough "Katt Williams went crazy again" threads here that had pictures of Katt Williams in them, and I recognized Katt Williams. No one in my family believed me but I was right, as I always am.

FLAW #7 - More Katt Williams. He's a hitchhiker that Helms and Wilson pick up but only if he agrees to be tied up because Helms is afraid of him. "Not because he's black!" says Helsm but we all know it's because he's black. How lame is that? Not as lame as Katt Williams actually agreeing to be tied up just to get a ride with these idiots.

FLAW #8 - Again with the Katt Williams. We are led to believe that a decently-dressed guy who is hitchhiking to get to his daughter's birthday party at their really nice house doesn't have a cell phone. He doesn't! This movie was made in 2017. EVERYONE has a cell phone or at least an ObamaPhone (TM).

FLAW #9 - Not really Katt William's fault but he's in this flaw, too. As Helms and Wilson are fighting in the front seat, Williams notices that they're parked on railroad tracks and a train is coming. His attempts to tell them are insipid. But when they finally realize a train is about to steamroll them, Wilson's seatbelt is stuck (which never happens and hasn't happened since 1967). Instead of helping his stuck brother in the front seat, Helms goes around the car and lets Williams out. Then the train crushes the car and, presumably, HOPEFULLY, Wilson. I will say that the choice of "Who do I save - Owen Wilson or Katt Williams?" is a worse choice situation than Sophie's choice in the movie I never saw.

FLAW #10 - Sadly, it turns out that Wilson was able to get out of the car and not get crushed. When Helms sees him, what happens? You would think that Wilson knocked the crap out of him for saving Katt Williams instead of him. That would be natural. But no, they hug it out.

FLAW #11 - The Wall Street dude is played by J. K. Simmons ("We are Farmers, bum ba bum ba bum bum BUM!"). He has the worst stick-on tattoos ever. Also, his character makes absolutely no sense. WTF was his mother even doing in the movie? How did Simmons get from being The King Of Wall Street to a guys that steals cars?

FLAW #12 - Helms boinked his sister.

FLAW #13 - Or not! I guess not.

FLAW #14 - I know Charles Durning is dead but why did they use a guy who looks JUST LIKE Charles Durning and put him in a casket? It was like you were actually looking at Charles Durning's corpse. Creepy. The actual name of this actor is Jack McGee but I'm going to call him Charles Durning.

CHARLES DURNING INTERLUDE - Back in 1995 or so my dad and some of his friends helped finance a movie. It was written by some local guy named Beau, whose main claim to fame was being Melissa Gilbert's husband at some point. The movie was called "Last Man Club" and Charles Durning was one of the stars. It took many years to get the movie made; in fact, it didn't come out until last year. My mom and dad both passed away 14+ years ago and I guess Beau never told anyone else in my family that the movie my dad financed was ever made. I found out about it when I saw a poster in a local restaurant. So I did the natural thing - I found the movie's Facebook page and sent them a message that said, "Hey - is this the movie that my dad financed?" Because obviously, there could be some money owed. But I never got a reply. Maybe one day I'll see Beau and ask him about this. Anyway, Charles Durning was an actual WWII hero.

CHARLES DURNING INTERLUDE EDIT - I looked up Beau. It's not "Beau" it's "Bo". His last name is Brinkman. He's a cousin of Randy and Dennis Quaid. I'm guessing he got more Randy than Dennis in the gene pool.

FLAW #15 - It's easy to forget some flaws when you go down the Charles Durning Rabbit Hole. Let's see...oh yeah. Charles Durning's corpse ALSO had a twin brother, who shows up right before Helms and Wilson get pummelled by Charles Durning's OTHER two sons (who are about a generation or so younger than Helms and Wilson, which could have been a FLAW all by itself) and figures out - using math and a calendar again - that Charles Durning could not have been the father. But again - all the calendar stuff if moot because Helms and Wilson were premies! Everyone thinks the day they were born was nine months before Glenn Close got boinked and became pregnant, but everyone is three months off.

FLAW #16 - The real dad is allegedly Christopher Walken who, despite being the family veterinarian for Helms and Wilson's entire life, never ever lets them know he is their dad. They only find out because he's just euthanized a cat with giant testicles (a "cat", not "Katt Williams").

FLAW #17 - We learn early in the movie that Owen Wilson is rich because some dude saw him sitting on a beach in Hawaii and said, "Hey - can we use your likeness on the lable of our barbecue sauce? You'll get $0.03 a bottle!" They sold 30,000,000 bottles so far.

FLAW #18 - 30,000,000 times $0.03 is only $900,000. Wilson lives in Hawaii and owns three Ferraris. $900,000 is not enough money to afford a house in Hawaii OR three Ferraris, let alone both of those things.

FLAW #19 - The barbecue sauce company tells Wilson mid-movie they're dropping him and using a monkey instead, because they don't have to pay the monkey royalties. They've sold 30,000,000 bottles and probably made $15,000,000 minimum from that. That means they've established a $15 million logo that uses Owen Wilson. They've only paid Wilson $900,000 or 6% of their probable revenue. They are not going to trade that for a monkey. That would be bad business.

FLAW #20 - At the end of this crapfest movie, you expect Owen Wilson to be broke, right? Especially because he has a wife who has just annoucned she's pregnant. Bad news! But you and I both know Owen Wilson is never broke. He falls into money. As the movie ends, we see that Helms and Wilson have made a fortune with an app that is The Universe calling you on your phone with an inspirational message. Guess who plays The Universe in this app?

Katt Williams, of course!

I will be honest. I wrote this entire review for one and only one reason - to work in my awesome Charles Durning story and in the process let you know that he was a bona fide WWI hero. Any movie review that can do that gets all the stars.

"Father Figures" on the other hand, gets 1 Dead Cat With Giant Testicles out of Please God Don't Let There Be Any More Dead Cats With Giant Testicles. No one wants to see that, and no one should want to see this movie. But here's one more flaw for your reading pleasure.

FLAW # 21 - Oh yeah - it turns out that Christopher Walken isn't really the father and Glenn Close wasn't their mother. Their real mom was a junkie who died during child birth. The end.


UPDATED TO ADD FLAWS 1A AND 5A. THE FLAWS JUST KEEP COMING!

.

[Edited 10/1/18 14:37pm]

Second Funkiest White Man in America

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Reply #24 posted 09/29/18 4:26pm

purplethunder3
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RodeoSchro said:

Last night we watched "Father Figures". It is a deeply flawed movie.

FLAW #1 - They did not use the George Michael song of the almost-same name. WTF?

FLAW #2 - Since they did not use that song, I was forced to sing it to my family all night. They did not appreciate that.

FLAW #3 - Ed Helms is a comedian. That means he is supposed to make people laugh. To do that, he has to do funny things or say funny lines. He does none of that in this flim.

FLAW #4 - I wondered how much wine it would take to make Owen Wilson funny. Turns out we didn't have that much wine.

There are many many more flaws in this movie and of course I intend to address most if not all of them right away. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

The very first thing we see is that Ed Helms is a jerk. His son doesn't like him and neither does his ex-wife. I will give $5 to anyone that can name a movie - any movie - where the hero is shown as a jerk in the first scene but the movie turns out to be a good movie. Don't waste your time, that movie does not exist. Any storyteller will tell you that the hero of the story has to be someone you can root for. You won't want to root for Ed Helms.

Helms is going to his mother's wedding. As we figure out later, it's the first time she's been married but she has two sons. Ed Helms and Owen Wilson. They are twins. A more mismatched set of twins hasn't been seen onscreen since Schwarzenegger and DeVito. But at least they were funny.

I'll give you three guesses as to what kind of character Owen Wilson plays. Your first two guesses don't count. So have you guessed yet? Of course you have because Owen Wilson plays the only kind of character he has ever played:

The free-spirited, free-wheeling, immature, falling-into-money, philosopher who talks to The Universe. He played that character in every movie I've ever seen him in, except "Zoolander" which is the exception that proves the rule. I bet he even played that kind of guy in that movie where the dog dies but I refuse to watch movies that have Owen Wilson, or a dog that dies. So you can imagine the big red "X" I have over "Marley and Me".

Helms doesn't like Wilson so he goes to his room to watch TV. He sees some dude with a birthmark that matches the birthmark on the head of the dude he thinks is his father, so he breaks this awesome news to Wilson and to their mother Glenn Close. "I FOUND DADDY!"

No, he didn't. Turns out that dude was a throw-down dude that Close never thought anyone would ever see again. After explaining to her sons that she was an ultra slut back in the '70's ("Everybody was!" No, they weren't or I would have enjoyed the '70's a lot more), she says, "Your father is really Terry Bradshaw".

Wow! Terry Bradshaw! NFL Hall of Famer! Winner of four Super Bowls! Ed Helms' favorite human in the whole world and his sports hero when he was growing up! Terry Bradshaw!

Naturally Helms and Wilson go to Florida to meet daddy. Which they do, and which Bradshaw handles with great comedy. He and the boys meet Bradshaw's buddy, former NFL player "Rod Hamilton". Glenn Close's name comes up and of course her sexual prowess is the main topic of conversation...until Hamilton learns Close is Helms and Wilson's mother.

As you will see, the main running joke in this movie is how many people Helms and Wilson meet who not only boffed their mom but like to brag about her exceptional skills in the bedroom. Ha. Ha. Ha.

But guess what? After comparing notes, Bradshaw realizes he can't be the father. He thinks the real dad has to be some Wall Street dude in New York, on account of Bradshaw was in Australia at the time of conception (based on Helms and Wilson's birthday) and Close couldn't go on that trip.

FLAW #5 - Bradshaw gets out of being the daddy based on the birtdate of the boys but GUESS WHAT? We learn at the end of the movie that the boys were born 3 months premature. That means that Bradshaw WAS with Close when he came back from Australia and HAD TO BE THE FATHER UNLESS CLOSE WAS BOINKING MULTIPLE GUYS AND SHE MAY HAVE BEEN BECAUSE "IT WAS THE '70's".

I want to give myself a pat on the back for figuring that out because, you see, 3 or 4 potential fathers all get out of it by using the calendar to prove it wasn't them. We find out at the end of the movie that the boys were premature, which means Bradshaw was really the father and the rest of the movie was pointless.

Who do I sue?!?!?!?

Now that I figured out the fatal flaw in this turkey, I really don't want to continue this review. Like I said, the rest of the movie is pointless. So here are some more flaws:

FLAW #6 - Katt Williams. I knew who he was, thanks to the Org! I have never seen Katt Williams in anything ever but I've read enough "Katt Williams went crazy again" threads here that had pictures of Katt Williams in them, and I recognized Katt Williams. No one in my family believed me but I was right, as I always am.

FLAW #7 - More Katt Williams. He's a hitchhiker that Helms and Wilson pick up but only if he agrees to be tied up because Helms is afraid of him. "Not because he's black!" says Helsm but we all know it's because he's black. How lame is that? Not as lame as Katt Williams actually agreeing to be tied up just to get a ride with these idiots.

FLAW #8 - Again with the Katt Williams. We are led to believe that a decently-dressed guy who is hitchhiking to get to his daughter's birthday party at their really nice house doesn't have a cell phone. He doesn't! This movie was made in 2017. EVERYONE has a cell phone or at least an ObamaPhone (TM).

FLAW #9 - Not really Katt William's fault but he's in this flaw, too. As Helms and Wilson are fighting in the front seat, Williams notices that they're parked on railroad tracks and a train is coming. His attempts to tell them are insipid. But when they finally realize a train is about to steamroll them, Wilson's seatbelt is stuck (which never happens and hasn't happened since 1967). Instead of helping his stuck brother in the front seat, Helms goes around the car and lets Williams out. Then the train crushes the car and, presumably, HOPEFULLY, Wilson. I will say that the choice of "Who do I save - Owen Wilson or Katt Williams?" is a worse choice situation than Sophie's choice in the movie I never saw.

FLAW #10 - Sadly, it turns out that Wilson was able to get out of the car and not get crushed. When Helms sees him, what happens? You would think that Wilson knocked the crap out of him for saving Katt Williams instead of him. That would be natural. But no, they hug it out.

FLAW #11 - The Wall Street dude is played by J. K. Simmons ("We are Farmers, bum ba bum ba bum bum BUM!"). He has the worst stick-on tattoos ever. Also, his character makes absolutely no sense. WTF was his mother even doing in the movie? How did Simmons get from being The King Of Wall Street to a guys that steals cars?

FLAW #12 - Helms boinked his sister.

FLAW #13 - Or not! I guess not.

FLAW #14 - I know Charles Durning is dead but why did they use a guy who looks JUST LIKE Charles Durning and put him in a casket? It was like you were actually looking at Charles Durning's corpse. Creepy. The actual name of this actor is Jack McGee but I'm going to call him Charles Durning.

CHARLES DURNING INTERLUDE - Back in 1995 or so my dad and some of his friends helped finance a movie. It was written by some local guy named Beau, whose main claim to fame was being Melissa Gilbert's husband at some point. The movie was called "Last Man Club" and Charles Durning was one of the stars. It took many years to get the movie made; in fact, it didn't come out until last year. My mom and dad both passed away 14+ years ago and I guess Beau never told anyone else in my family that the movie my dad financed was ever made. I found out about it when I saw a poster in a local restaurant. So I did the natural thing - I found the movie's Facebook page and sent them a message that said, "Hey - is this the movie that my dad financed?" Because obviously, there could be some money owed. But I never got a reply. Maybe one day I'll see Beau and ask him about this. Anyway, Charles Durning was an actual WWII hero.

FLAW #15 - It's easy to forget some flaws when you go down the Charles Durning Rabbit Hole. Let's see...oh yeah. Charles Durning's corpse ALSO had a twin brother, who shows up right before Helms and Wilson get pummelled by Charles Durning's OTHER two sons (who are about a generation or so younger than Helms and Wilson, which could have been a FLAW all by itself) and figures out - using math and a calendar again - that Charles Durning could not have been the father. But again - all the calendar stuff if moot because Helms and Wilson were premies! Everyone thinks the day they were born was nine months before Glenn Close got boinked and became pregnant, but everyone is three months off.

FLAW #16 - The real dad is allegedly Christopher Walken who, despite being the family veterinarian for Helms and Wilson's entire life, never ever lets them know he is their dad. They only find out because he's just euthanized a cat with giant testicles (a "cat", not "Katt Williams").

FLAW #17 - We learn early in the movie that Owen Wilson is rich because some dude saw him sitting on a beach in Hawaii and said, "Hey - can we use your likeness on the lable of our barbecue sauce? You'll get $0.03 a bottle!" They sold 30,000,000 bottles so far.

FLAW #18 - 30,000,000 times $0.03 is only $900,000. Wilson lives in Hawaii and owns three Ferraris. $900,000 is not enough money to afford a house in Hawaii OR three Ferraris, let alone both of those things.

FLAW #19 - The barbecue sauce company tells Wilson mid-movie they're dropping him and using a monkey instead, because they don't have to pay the monkey royalties. They've sold 30,000,000 bottles and probably made $15,000,000 minimum from that. That means they've established a $15 million logo that uses Owen Wilson. They've only paid Wilson $900,000 or 6% of their probable revenue. They are not going to trade that for a monkey. That would be bad business.

FLAW #20 - At the end of this crapfest movie, you expect Owen Wilson to be broke, right? Especially because he has a wife who has just annoucned she's pregnant. Bad news! But you and I both know Owen Wilson is never broke. He falls into money. As the movie ends, we see that Helms and Wilson have made a fortune with an app that is The Universe calling you on your phone with an inspirational message. Guess who plays The Universe in this app?

Katt Williams, of course!

I will be honest. I wrote this entire review for one and only one reason - to work in my awesome Charles Durning story and in the process let you know that he was a bona fide WWI hero. Any movie review that can do that gets all the stars.

"Father Figures" on the other hand, gets 1 Dead Cat With Giant Testicles out of Please God Don't Let There Be Any More Dead Cats With Giant Testicles. No one wants to see that, and no one should want to see this movie. But here's one more flaw for your reading pleasure.

FLAW # 21 - Oh yeah - it turns out that Christopher Walken isn't really the father and Glenn Close wasn't their mother. Their real mom was a junkie who died during child birth. The end.

.

[Edited 9/29/18 16:00pm]

LOL I need to model my movie reviews from your own. I haven't seen any theater movies in two years... Why? Been going to live concerts--the most expensive of my life will be BRUUUUCE! next month (and that was a cheap ticket!). I just saw Once Upon A Time In America, posted my opinion on another thread, and would be interested in your opinion of this movie ( I'm a huge DeNiro fan).

"If you're living, you've got nothing left to prove..."
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Reply #25 posted 09/30/18 8:35am

RodeoSchro

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purplethunder3121 said:

RodeoSchro said:

My usual rigamarole

[Edited 9/29/18 16:00pm]

LOL I need to model my movie reviews from your own. I haven't seen any theater movies in two years... Why? Been going to live concerts--the most expensive of my life will be BRUUUUCE! next month (and that was a cheap ticket!). I just saw Once Upon A Time In America, posted my opinion on another thread, and would be interested in your opinion of this movie ( I'm a huge DeNiro fan).



Thanks! I haven't seen "Once Upon a Time in America". Maybe I will though and if I do, I'll surely post a review on it.

I am sooooooooooo jealous that you're seeing Bruce! That is AWESOME! Have a great time and please be sure to let me know when you post your thoughts about the show. Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!

Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #26 posted 10/01/18 7:10am

RodeoSchro

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Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #27 posted 10/01/18 2:41pm

RodeoSchro

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How long can it take to type "Holy moley - why did it take me four or five or ten years - plus making him watch an art film last year - before I took RodeoSchro's advice/paid off a bet and watched the greatest comedy known to man? I should be put on double secret probation for that! Five million stars!!!!"

Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's paladin
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Reply #28 posted 10/01/18 3:29pm

MoBettaBliss


Midnight in Paris... 4.5 out of 5

possibly because i was recently in Paris and am in love with the city

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Reply #29 posted 10/01/18 4:12pm

onlyforaminute

About Time 3.5/5 A nice feel good time-travel fantasy movie about savoring each moment of one's life. One thing about the movie annoys me a lot, Only certain males can do this time traveling thing, so obviously everything is based on what a guy wants while the women remain oblivious and basically manipulated. But it still was a pleasant watch suspending certain tendencies I may have.
"You want to know your biggest fault? You don’t keep true accounts: you put a high value on what you’ve given, a low value on what you’ve received."

- Seneca, On Anger 3.31.3
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