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Thread started 09/03/17 5:28am

SuzyHomemaker

Almost Empty Nest - Feeling So Blue

I have three kids. You can probably guess from my user name that I basically built my life around my kids. My middle son moved out nine months ago when he was 21. I cried myself to sleep for about 3 weeks after he left. I just missed him so much! He plays many musical instruments, sings and writes songs for fun. I used to get irritated with him when I was trying to sleep at night because he'd be in his room singing and strumming on his guitar. I missed that so much!!!

Now my oldest son, 24 years old, bought a house and moved in with his pregnant girlfriend. Baby due in December. They've been together for nearly five years. It's really a great situation. They both work full time, good jobs. Her family is super supportive as is mine. Their house is super cute and actually very close to me. Not to mention, he's almost 25, it was time for him to go. Over due really.

But here I am, crying over him. Last night he told me I wasn't just his mom, but his friend. It was all I could do to not break down sobbing in front of him!

My youngest is still home. She's 20 and plans on being here a few more years. What's going to happen to me when she leaves? Will I have a nervous breakdown?

I feel so embarrassed that I feel this way. I work, I'm married, I have a couple of hobbies, but I feel utterly lost with my kids out of the house. Like what am even supposed to do now? There's no point in cooking big meals, looking forward to decorating for the holidays, etc.

I know that is all irrational, but I can't help just feeling so incredibily sad. I'm also ashamed of myself because at least I still have my kids. I know there are parents whose kids have died and I can't even bring myself to imagine that heartache.

Empty nesters--I need advice!

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Reply #1 posted 09/03/17 8:31am

PennyPurple

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It's very difficult. I have 3 kids also. When the 1st moved out (my daughter), I cried and cried for weeks, I,, 2nd guessed myself on every decision I ever made I thought my life was over. My brother called me to see how I was holding up, I cried some more, until he told me, do you ever remember our mom crying when we moved out? I said no, Mom never cried, she seemed happy....he said exactly, and we had a good laugh.


The 2nd one moved out when he was 23, I cried a little with him, I missed him terribly, but it was time for him to go, he had a good job, made double what I made, and he started to have problems adhering to the rules.


The 3rd one moved out, she was 18 1/2..like her older sister...I cried for weeks upon weeks and in fact she did too. When this one moved there was nobody left in the house, it really got to me.



The oldest girl is 30 now, she's moved back home twice and is currently on her own.


The boy is 27 and recently got married, bought a house and is doing great.


The baby also recently got married and recently moved back in with her hubby and dog, they didn't want to sign another year lease on their apartment because they are wanting to buy a house. They both have good jobs. I will probably be crying my eyes out when they move.


If I could I would have a huge house and all the kids would have their own wing, and I would be perfectly happy. biggrin


I keep thinking one of these days I'll have grandchildren and it will make me happy to put my Christmas tree up again, and hear those little foot steps running thru the house again.


It's hard, my hubby is disabled now, and we can't just go out for a night on the town like we used to before kids. He's basically homebound. Our little dog helped us get thru some lonely times and she meant everything to us. She recently died a few months ago, at the age of 8 which was young for her lifespan. She had nasal cancer and we had to put her down. It killed us. We are still beside ourselves with grief. The youngest daughter moving back in with her hubby and dog, has helped a bit.


If you need someone to talk to, feel free to org note me.

[Edited 9/3/17 8:32am]

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Reply #2 posted 09/03/17 11:57am

sonshine

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Omg i thought i was alone! 😭😭😭
I'm sorry, i don't have any good advice for you. Its a struggle i'm still in myself, but i can say that time has a way of dulling the pain.
I also have three children, all boys. Last weekend i moved my youngest back to college for his last year of post secondary education. I've been in a funk ever since. Easily brought to tears by even the slightest side eye from the cat! Grandbabies and good dil's are a big positive. Pray you get both. Its been a mixed bag here for me. So i take what i can get.
Its kind of ironic that the only thing that brought me confort in the throes of my misery was the realization i now had time to ramp up my Prince obsession to pre-mom level. I was over the moon about that and was getting back into around 2013. I did find solace for a few short years. When he passed so suddenly it was sort of a double whammy. But i have to say getting back into his music, listening to him every day since Apr 21st 2016 has been a welcome distraction and made the time more bearable.
Have you had your plus sign (+) today?
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Reply #3 posted 09/03/17 1:28pm

SuzyHomemaker

Thank you both for replying! It honestly makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way when the kids leave.

The women I work with are a bit older than me and all have little grandkids. They tell me that when the grandbabies start coming, you don't even care about your kids anymore! lol So I've got that to look forward to. My first grandbaby due on December 27!

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Reply #4 posted 09/13/17 9:26am

nammie

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Oh Suzy, look at is this way. Now is the time for YOU. Sounds like you have raised three great kids, who are now fantastic young adults. Job has well done Momma!!! And now you have a new grandbaby coming soon that you get to love. In the meantime, ask yourself what do YOU want to do with the rest of YOUR life. A new skill, or class you've always wanted to take? Maybe a group you'd like to join? Now with just one left in the house now is the time to figure out want you would like to do after she leaves home. These new thoughts and ideas will help keep your mind focused in a positive direction.

I have six children, ages 32-13. just the youngest in the house now. So I decided to move from CT to GA. I'm over the snow and don't want to do it another year. LOL. Soon I'll be embarking on a new career that I'm very excited about. And I will be joining a female travel group, I've always travelled with family or husband, never with friends or alone. I'm excited to move to a new place, make new friends; and get to know myself again as a woman; not a wife or a mother.

Now, I'm a bit different than you. I love my kids I do. But I was happy when they left the house. Those children were WORK and they wore my ass out! My GOD to have SIX different versions of the best AND the worst of the ex and me!?!!?! Lord Jesus have Mercy.

You'll be just fine. nod

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Reply #5 posted 09/14/17 10:17am

Wlcm2thdwn3

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Hi there, yesterday I came upon this post and realized that I'm not the only person in the world that feels like this. I was so inspired to read about you. i too am an emptynester. Two years ago I had to have emergency surgery and after recovery the last of my 3 daughters left home. She helped to nurse me back to health but was anxious to be on her own like my other 2 older girls. They do come back around often and I have a 12 yr. old grandson that stops by sometimes but I know what you mean. Sometimes I just get so lonely and sad living alone in this same house after all these years of it being full of people and laughter. nice to meet you- Helena smile

How long do you wanna be loved. Is forever enough, is forever enough?
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Reply #6 posted 09/14/17 12:19pm

purplethunder3
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Don't be blue--there's grand kids for you to spoil on the way! A whole new chapter. biggrin

Find strength in that which remains...
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Reply #7 posted 09/23/17 9:41am

SuzyHomemaker

Thought I'd post an update. Not sure if anyone will read this, but oh well. I like to write...

I was at work one day, feeling down, and a work friend asked me what was wrong. I told her about how I'd been feeling and that I'm not sure what do with myself. She said to focus on building my career. I work in the media industry and have a new boss. I had previously been held down in my stagnant position from my previous boss.

So I took her advice and drafted a job proposal for a promotion and salary increase. I just presented it last week and my boss likes it! He's going to even be adding to it! So that brings a little joy in going to work anyway.

I've also been giving attention again to my house. It's nearly 100 years old and I had a lot of plans for it. For instance, I was going to turn one room into a sort of Middle Earth themed sitting room. Like something that reminded me of where a hobbit would live maybe. I hadn't done anything with it in months. I started back up on that, and I'm pretty happy with the progress.

There's a tai chi studio in my town and I'm going to start going to those classes soon.

I had felt sad about not having any reason to cook big meals anymore. My mom said, "Of course you can still do that! Just take them the leftovers!" So I do that from time to time too.

Actually having the whole family over today for a seafood boil. I bought some parmesan sourdough from a wonderful artisan bread shop in town. Made some apple crisp and pumpkin juice (from Harry Potter--I guess I really sound like a nerd)!

I'm just trying to find joy and peace in my life. I still desperately miss my kids though. Just trying to shift my focus elsewhere.

Everyone's advice boils down to this though...Start focusing on yourself! That's not really selfish, because good moms spend the majority of their kids' childhoods giving of themselves selflessly on a daily basis really. It gets to be all we know.

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Reply #8 posted 09/23/17 6:06pm

PennyPurple

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SuzyHomemaker said:

Thought I'd post an update. Not sure if anyone will read this, but oh well. I like to write...

I was at work one day, feeling down, and a work friend asked me what was wrong. I told her about how I'd been feeling and that I'm not sure what do with myself. She said to focus on building my career. I work in the media industry and have a new boss. I had previously been held down in my stagnant position from my previous boss.

So I took her advice and drafted a job proposal for a promotion and salary increase. I just presented it last week and my boss likes it! He's going to even be adding to it! So that brings a little joy in going to work anyway.

I've also been giving attention again to my house. It's nearly 100 years old and I had a lot of plans for it. For instance, I was going to turn one room into a sort of Middle Earth themed sitting room. Like something that reminded me of where a hobbit would live maybe. I hadn't done anything with it in months. I started back up on that, and I'm pretty happy with the progress.

There's a tai chi studio in my town and I'm going to start going to those classes soon.

I had felt sad about not having any reason to cook big meals anymore. My mom said, "Of course you can still do that! Just take them the leftovers!" So I do that from time to time too.

Actually having the whole family over today for a seafood boil. I bought some parmesan sourdough from a wonderful artisan bread shop in town. Made some apple crisp and pumpkin juice (from Harry Potter--I guess I really sound like a nerd)!

I'm just trying to find joy and peace in my life. I still desperately miss my kids though. Just trying to shift my focus elsewhere.

Everyone's advice boils down to this though...Start focusing on yourself! That's not really selfish, because good moms spend the majority of their kids' childhoods giving of themselves selflessly on a daily basis really. It gets to be all we know.

Congrats on moving forward, sounds like you are figuring things out. hug

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